At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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