Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
