Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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