My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
