I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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