dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
