Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
