you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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