I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
