You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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