These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
