Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
