I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You don't make any sense
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