One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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