He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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