if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
