I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm like, not good at living.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
