Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
