I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
