I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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