Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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