I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
