Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
