Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
