no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
