why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
God I need to hump something, right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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