don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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