Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize