Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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