Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
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