I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
