this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
