Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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