For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
