the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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