did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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