I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
