Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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