I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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