I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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