I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
