so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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