my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
