Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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