my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
