I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
