I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
