Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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