My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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