I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
