I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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