I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
