I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize