why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
