I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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