I'm going to jail i love you
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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