Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
