Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
